I started writing another Finding my place post. Two paragraphs in I decided to check my website. Yup, I already wrote the post (how embarrassing would that have been?). That post was written in early August, almost two and half months ago. I think I’m still trying to find my place. The Mike Shinoda song at the top of the post is something I play on a daily basis (maybe every day or two). It’s a really good song and something that expresses how I’m feeling.
I’m still trying to find my place. I am taking more time for myself. I’m spending more time with the family. I’m not sure that’s been the best option for me. I have a five and nine year-old and boy can they wear an adult out (much love to the wife). I spent last week on PTO playing video games and watching baseball. I hopped on the computer after putting the kids down and I don’t really feel like playing video games right now. I’m taking a step back.
I have a strong urge to write. A strong urge, apparently, to write something I already wrote (and here we are).
I’m not really sure what I’m expecting out of this post. I think, I’d like to highlight that not everyone has it figured out. I have a kick ass job. A podcast that’s growing. I drink a little more than I should (On number three and feeling good). I probably don’t spend enough time with the wife and kids. I don’t know where I want to go from here. I’m just kind of making it up as I go.
Writing feels good and maybe that’s part of it. I have a need to be productive. If I’m not, I’m not satisfied. That comes at a cost though. It comes at a cost to my personal time. It comes at a cost to my family time. It’s a catch 22!
I’m trying to take a step back right now. I feel like I have those goals in video games. In Overwatch it’s weekly quests and getting my 10 placement matches in. In WoW it’s unlocking allied races that I can then also get to max level (120). I like doing that stuff, but it’s personal goals. It doesn’t benefit anyone else but me. I like benefiting others. It’s why I volunteer at conferences. It’s why I’ll be on my feet for 12 hours a day at DEF CON for the SE Village. I came back more refreshed from DEF CON more than I did any other conference.
That wears on me too though. The constant serving others. I’m trying to find that happy medium. Maybe that happy medium is a fantasy. Maybe life is meant to be these struggles. I feel ashamed that my struggle is being in such a good place. I guess that’s life.